Your first love -

It was Nietzsche who wrote "Love is a state in which man see's things; most widely different from what they are". 


That phrase can't be more true. Especially when it's an admiration that has spanned more than half a lifetime.

There was this girl who indirectly flipped the "in love" switch when I was ten years old. I remember the exact place and time and who I was with at the point. It was during recess in grade school - 4th grade actually. I was with my best friend then. We were looking down form the second floor and there she was. Crossing the open area. We've known her since pre-school. But for some reason, on that day, at that moment - something sparked.

Fast forward 18 years later - here I am. Secretly still hoping, that day will come when I can say she's mine. Secretly.

I'm not really sure what I feel for her. Is it the same type of regret that you feel when you know you should have done something but you didn't? Is it the same type of feeling that envelopes you when you had missed on a great opportunity? I'm not really sure.

Update on her. She is now separated from her husband. She married early. When we were 19, she got pregnant. I remember when that news was broken to me. I felt like those who told me were scared to tell me. I was really really wretched that time. I collected all the letters I got from her and the next weekend went up mount makiling in Los Banos and burned em. Yup! Burned em... Right next to the sulfur mud bath.

Stupid - I know. Senseless, absolutely. But it helped.

After that day - I went on a rampage. Girlfriend after girlfriend after girlfriend.

Don't get me wrong. I treasured every relationship I was with. I cared for my girlfriend. I appreciated the time. But even after every break up, I think of that first girl. The one that I saw from the second floor.

So, yeah. She has a daughter. I am one of her godfathers. We keep in touch. I send her several post cards and letters every year. Ironic, cause 15 years ago, I was exchanging letters with her mom.

So, recently I had an idea that maybe I should go do it. Tell her I like her still and show her what Im made of. But how? I'm so far away. So, being the boy scout that I am. I did some recon work. Yup! I asked people.

What did I learn? Well, that she's seeing someone. The person who told me this said, she's not sure, but yes, she's seeing someone at this point in time.

This sucks. I've got no letters to burn. But then again, I've got nothing to lose too.